3.13 TNA Impact
By Jeff Hamlin (jhamlin@vilcom.com)

The Big News: The hard sell for the Lockdown PPV is already on, and wisely so. It will feature a dual main event of Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle for the TNA Heavyweight Title and a War Games match with two teams of four sides. Also, Kurt eagerly agreed to a separation with Karen Angle.

Jim Cornette announced Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle for the TNA World Heavyweight Title and a Wargames match for the Lockdown PPV. Then he brought out the captains for the match, and Christian Cage came out for one side, and tomko for the other. Still amazing they turned Tomko heel after a full year’s face buildup. Cornette gave them two weeks to give him their rosters for the Wargames match (which will be the live show). Cage told Tomko he was still a lapdog, just Angle’s lapdog and not his. When he called Tomko a “tattooed, jackup up, muscle bound pussy” they wound up brawling. Dynamic was all wrong here, as the 300-pound Tomko got laid to waste until A.J. Styles ran in to double-team Cage. Haven’t we already proved that Cage can’t draw as a face? I wasn’t big on Tomko as a drawing card, but he at least deserved the chance. Kevin Nash did a limp-in for the save.

Karen Angle showed up for the first time in several weeks and said she would confront Kurt about their problems after his match against Kaz tonight.

Scott Steiner, Petey Williams and Rhaka Kahn. More confusion about the briefcases. Remember those? Steiner now owns both the World Heavyweight Title shot and the X-Division title shots. Williams tried to talk Steiner into giving him the X-Division shot, but Steiner just ignored him. Doesn’t that bury both belts? Williams his initiation was still coming.

Joel Anderson from Survivor was shown at ringside.

1. Curry Man defeated Petey Williams. Williams did a slingshot huracanrana to the floor and got a near fall with a jawbreaker. Curry made his comeback with a dropkick to the back and a crossbody off the talk, which is called the Hi-C. Finish came when Kahn came up to distract Earl Hebner, allowing Williams a chance to jump Curry from behind. Williams went for the Canadian Destroyer, but Curry pushed him off and collided with Kahn, and Curry got the pin with a huracanrana. Then Steiner came down with handcuffs, which I assume he stole from Chris Harris on his way out. He handcuffed Williams and placed a sheet over his head. Maybe the initiation consists of forcing Williams to sleep with Kahn. **

Cornette was in his office where he traded barbs with Jeremy Borash. He told Christian Cage to pick a tag partner for a match tonight against Tomko and Styles. Then Team 3-D walked in for an odd segment that successfully buried the company. Brother Ray, who has lost so much weight he looks like he missed out on the smorgasbord of food available in Tulalip, Washington last weekend, asked Cornette if he was tired off all this. With no amount of silence at all, Cornette responded “yes.” That, my friends, is a shoot. Then Ray said TNA was a sinking ship because of all the reality stars and X-Division wrestlers running around. Ray said if he saw any Motor City Machine Gun, Shark Boy, Curry Man (didn’t he just wrestle?) or any reality star (angle alert), they were dead. Cornette looked like he wanted a vacation.

Samoa Joe came out in a suit for his first promo building up his latest match with Kurt Angle. He thanked Kevin Nash and the fans for getting him to where he is. Joe has improved on promos. He said if he falls short against Angle, he’ll never wrestle in TNA again. He appeared to get emotional after that line. Good segment.

Cage approached Rhino about being a tag partner tonight. Rhino asked him he was in the wrong locker room. I didn’t know the Impact Zone had enough room for private lockers. Just how big is that 800 seat arena? Rhino blew him off.

Rellik and Black Reign defeated the Motor City Machine Guns. I guess as part of their punishment, the guns have new music which must have been written by the same guy who composed the “American Males” song. It sounded like music for a Footlocker Grand Opening. Might as well have Ashley Simpson sing it. Then they had the match and the heels got three-fourths of the offense. All this for not blading? Shelley did the codebreaker on Rellik, but was jumped by Reign. Shelley wound up taking a slingshot wheelbarrow suplex. Shelley gave the heels a DDT/Downward Spiral combination to make the hot tag to Chris Sabin, who gave Rellik a satellite head scissors. Finish came when Reign did the snake eyes and Rellik gave Sabin a clothesline. Reign then called out Eric Young, who has new Superman music. He cleaned house. Crowd seemed deflated after watching the Guns job so cleanly. Wonder how special the Rock n Roll Express would have been if they jobbed clean to the Russians in less than 4 minutes in 1985? Booking like this has put wrestling in this country in the condition it’s in. Asinine. What a bunch of goobers. *1/2

Styles saw Karen in the back. She rubbed up against him and seemed happy to see him. Then Tomko chewed out Styles for not having his head straight.

Kurt Angle defeated Kaz. They played up the big showdown these two had in January. But Kaz’s momentum was shot in the Black Reign program. It didn’t help that this match was too short with a commercial. Kaz got a slingshot DDT for a two count. He did a one-foot dropkick for another near fall. Kaz rolled out of an ankle lock attempt, then got the wave of the future for a long two count. Kaz got the arm drag off the top for another two count. He went for the wave again, but Angle got the ankle lock. After a long struggle, Kaz tapped. **1/2

Angle cut a promo on Joe afterwards. Then Karen came out and said she wanted a separation. Kurt seemed shocked, then was happy with the idea because he could concentrate on Joe and not have to put up with her high maintenance. Pretty funny when Kurt wanted to shake hands to seal the deal. Karen, with tears in her eyes, just walked out.

TAN Rough Cut continued with B.G. James and Kip James. It was effective as a segment, but I don’t know how much interest you can drum up in this day and age. B.G. talked openly about his drug problems causing him to get fired from the WWE (called the other company). Kip was less forthcoming, saying he left WWE because he had just had enough. I guess that’s better than saying he grew stale as a midcarder. B.G. acted like reuniting with Kip wasn’t something he really wanted, but the company forced it upon him.

The Rock n Rave Infection were backstage. Lance Hoyt is dressed like Slash. Jimmy Rave told Quiet Riot they were going down. Unfortunately, one of them just did.

The Rock n Rave Infection defeated LAX in a trios mixed tag. Rave caught a jawbreaker and STO on Homicide. Hernandez made a hot tag and gave Rave the cracker jack and a beal with his wife beater. Hoyut got backdropped over the top rope, and Hernandez followed with his tope. Homicide got a Gringo stunner, and went for the gringo killer, but Rave escaped and tagged Christy Hemme. Then Salinas tagged in while Homicide gave Rave a tope con giro. Salinas got a near fall on Hemme with a reverse DDT. Then Hoyt gave Hemme the Guitar Hero guitar and she hit Salinas with it for the pin.

Jay Lethal and So Cal Val were on their first day. This was a disappointment. It consisted of quickly edited footage. Of course, Sonjay Dutt interfered and took Val to see some of the secret spots of Universal Studios Theme Park. Now is the time for Lethal to drop the Black Machismo gimmick. It’s just run its course. But most of this skit consisted of Ricky Steamboat and Sid Justice references, which grew tiresome long ago.

Angelina Love and Velvet Sky gave Roxxi Laveaux a makeover. They then turned heel on her by using hairspray in her eyes, and rubbing makeup in her face. The porn stars as heels? Good luck getting them heat.

Gail Kim defeated Velvet Sky. Sky got a surprising amount of offense. They botched a monkey flip spot up badly. Sky barely went over. Love distracted Earl Hebner, which gave Sky a chance to recover, but Kim pinned her with a Celtic Cross. Then Love and Kim got in each other’s faces, and Kim speared her. Sky joined in for the double-team. Crowd chanted for ODB, but Kim just bailed out. Then Awesome Kong nailed her from behind and gave her the neck hanging tree slam. Kim actually mounted a comeback getting out of the Awesome Bomb and giving her a codebreaker and a spear. Then Kim threw punches from the mount until Raisha Saed hit her with the Knockouts belt. There was no pop because Saed is just excess baggage. Then ODB finally came in for the save. Too bad she was over two minutes late. *

Christian Cage was unsure who he would choose for his tag partner. Then Kevin Nash walked in and volunteered. At least this is one tag team that isn’t bickering with each other.

Christian Cage and Kevin Nash went to a no contest against A.J. Styles and Tomko in a non-title match. Needless to say, Cage carried the workload for the faces. Kurt Angle came out to ringside midway through the match. During a commercial, Angle interfered and security forced him to the back. Cage made his comeback with a tornado DDT on Tomko and he hot tagged Nash. Styles jumped on Nash’s back for a sleeper, but Nash turned it into a side slam. Nash clotheslined Tomko to the floor. Styles tried the Styles Clash on Nash, but Nash reversed it. It appeared the finish would be when Nash gave Styles the jackknife and Cage came off with the frog splash. But Team 3-D ran in and attacked Cage and Nash. Tomko and Styles gave Cage the Au Revoior. 3-D gave Nash a chair shot on his knee. It was made clear that 3-D had joined Tomko’s team in the Wargames. Then 3-D attacked Joel Anderson and put the boots to him. Ray even gave him a chair shot. At least they didn’t try to sell this as a worked shoot as Styles and Tomko were just laughing about it. **